"When you have to part with your genetic material, trust nothing less than a genuine Incuvac Artifical Gestation Chamber. It's powered by highly efficient hydrodanamic goodness. It's a baby factory!"

In-cu-vac, make it part of your plan. When you get your ba-bies out of a can!

Zukkerman's Famous Pork Rinds

"Hi. I'm Sterling Mortlock, but most of you know me as Newton Falk on the hit BBC 11 sci-fi show 'Cogs'. There's nothing I like better after a daring flight through a dystopian alternate past than the crispy softness and authentic barnyard taste of Zukkerman's Famous Pork Rinds. Now with real imitation pork! They're Radiant!"

Jetpack Depot

"Jetpack Depot—your source for the finest jetpacks! You'll not find a wider selection of personal levitation apparatuses or their complementary accessories in the entire northern hemisphere. From Antigrav Industries to Zeppelin Jr., every major manufacturer is represented. Ask about our financing opportunities! Jetpack Depot: quadrant 18, on the corner of Mainspring and Sprocket in Mechanus. If you don't get it here, it's not skyworthy!"

Wankel and Riobard's Chef's Delight Culinary Power Plant

"You've used Wankel and Riobard's superior technology in your workplace and your vehicle - now use it in your own kitchen! The Wankel and Riobard's Chef's Delight culinary power plant comes with no fewer than seventeen versatile attachments to make dinnertime both efficient and vital. The grinding bowl makes short work of coffee beans, cuts of beef, or the hands of thieving servants. No amount of dough can withstand the astonishing vigor of the automated kneading arm. And the hydrodynamic kettle will steep your tea of choice in two minutes or less—guaranteed or your money back. All this and more can be yours for three low payments of twenty shillings each. This spectacular set is not available from provisioners. Don't delay -order by mail or wire today!"

Denham's Dentifrice

"You may know tea as a delicious beverage for any occasion, a cosmetic and alchymical ingredient, or more recently as the point of contention in the infamous Oolong Conflict. But were you aware that tea is also a formidable stain, acting with fearsome vigor on the pristine white enamel of your teeth? It's true—just examine the mouth of a lifelong tea drinker to discover how wretched teeth can look after an extended period of enjoying this great symbol of colonialist supremacy. Observe the deep sepia shade and the general impression of neglect that tea stains leave.

"Now, tell your tea-loving friends that a solution has been found! As you can see in this side-by-side comparison, Denham's Dentifrice works seventeen and a half times faster than an unspecified competitor brand of cleaning paste, and Denham's Dentifrice leaves this porcelain teacup as unspoilt as fresh-fallen snow. The all-new formula present in every pipette of Denham's Dentifrice dissolves the layers of tea grime and carries them harmlessly into your stomach. Denham's Dentifrice is augmented with nourishing fluoride, so don't forget to swallow Denham's Dentifrice when you're finished!

"Nine out of ten dental physicians agree that Denham's Dentifrice is an efficient and vital part of any water closet's mucilage arsenal. Eradicate those unsightly tea stains and bid them good-bye forever by using Denham's Dentifrice during your weekly mouth grooming regimen. For healthy ivory choppers, use Denham's Dentifrice! Denham's Dentifrice! Denham's Dentifrice! Denham's Dentifrice!"

Thoroughbred Prophylactics

"The following message is brought to you by the Government of the European Enlightenment, Ministry for the Improvement of Genetic Data through Mandatory Procreation. Attention citizens! It is everyone's duty to preserve and protect our genetic superiority, via the strict adherence to MIGDMP-authorized genetic composites. The MIGDMP cordially reminds you that the results of unauthorized genetic sample combinations will be forcibly discontinued upon or prior to arrival. That's why the MIGDMP recommends Thoroughbred(tm) brand prophylactics. Not only are they made from the finest intestines of animals specialty-bred for the purpose of human contraception, but are available in a wide selection of colors and variaties — try the new Hydrodyne model for a faster, hydrodynamic-powered non-procreative experience. Thoroughbred: the only brand of prophylactic endorsed by the Ministry for the Improvement of Genetic Data through Mandatory Procreation.

"Small Print: Each prophylactic also comes with a special MIGDMP tracking device, to ensure compliance with MIGDMP regulations concerning procreative activities. The Ministry for the Improvement of Genetic Data Through Mandatory Procreation reserves the right to install self destruct devices on its prophylactics without prior notification. Unauthorized use of the prophylactic devices, including use involving procreative positions not authorized in section R69b of the MIDGP Procreative Manual, are punishable by death."

Alchemical Exchange

"Is your home cluttered with hulking, burdensome lead devices and cookware? Do you find yourself in need of a few spare bolts? Have you ever wished you could rid yourself of all that worthless metal and be rewarded for your effort? The Alchemical Exchange is the solution you crave!

"Simply wire your address to dash-dash-dot-dot-dot dot-dash-dash-dash-dash dot-dot-dot-dash-dash dash-dash-dash-dash-dot dash-dot-dot-dot-dot and in six to eight weeks you will receive a complete Alchemical Exchange Lead Conveyance Kit. Bundle up your clunky old pots and pans, send it to the Alchemical Exchange, and we will melt it down and convert it to gold. You'll receive a note of credit, recognized and backed by all Enlightenment-standardized banks, for the market value of your converted lead.

"What are you waiting for? Take apart that old moveable type press in your cellar, dig the buckshot out of the taxidermically-preserved creatures in your study, exhume some ancient Roman corpses, or dismantle a few stained-glass windows! Then wire dash-dash-dot-dot-dot dot-dash-dash-dash-dash dot-dot-dot-dash-dash dash-dash-dash-dash-dot dash-dot-dot-dot-dot for your Alchemical Exchange Lead Conveyance Kit, and you'll be on your way to riches!

"Please note that Alchemical Exchange does not pay for Lead Conveyance Kit shipping charges and will not be held responsible if shipping charges total more than post-conversion note of credit. All lead becomes property of Alchemical Exchange and will not be returned before or after conversion to gold. Illness or death resulting from inhalation or ingestion of lead powder, fumes, or pellets is not the fault of Alchemical Exchange. 3.97 metric tonnes of lead yields approximately thirteen grammes of gold; note of credit is calculated according to exchange rate in northern California."


"Has your morning regimen lost its efficient vigour? Do you find yourself lethargic and spiritless with the dawn of each glorious day? My friend, you are in dire need of the newest part of a balanced and vital breakfast: Nutri-Gears! Each minuscule toothed ring symbolizes the importance of the workers united in strengthening the glory of the Enlightenment, and is composed of a robust amalgamation of pulverized horse grains, soybeans, corn meal, reprocessed saccharine, vitamin slurry, stimulant pellets, sawdust, and unspecified repurposed organic waste. It'll give you a reason to get out of your dormitory cot and keep your pulse racing throughout your sixteen-hour shift at the mill! Some consumers may experience hallucinatory delusions and/or cardiac arrest. Nutri-Gears! Try them with Udder-Free Protein-Derived Dairy Substitute today!"

Achmed's Autonomous Automatons

"Tired of sweeping your floors with an ineffective hydro-broom? Disgusted with the unhygenic mechano-mops? Try Achmed's Autonomous Automotons! They'll clean your floors to a spotless shine, or face gruesome repurposement as plumbing fixtures! Achmed's Autonomous Automotons! When all other cleaning methods are inefficient.*

"*Achmed's Autonomous Automotons are not actually affiliated with the Automaton Empire, and every unit comes complete with the Enlightenment Non-Heretical Seal of Approval. So remember, when you've gotta have clean, efficient, and legal, you've gotta have AAA."

Fox and Wolf

Narrator: Coming this fall.

(Shots of Daniel as a promising medical student)

Narrator: Daniel Alderidge was a medical student with good grades and a lucrative career ahead of him.

(Shots of his incarceration and the experiments performed on him, ending with a chilling howl.)

Narrator: (Cont.) …Then they stole his future from him.

(Shots of a young Hattie being fed by the undercover nuns.)

Narrator: Hattie O'Grady thought she'd lost everything when her mother died and she was sent to the orphanage.

(Shots of the Dublin Massacre, ending with Hattie screaming from the roof of a burning building.)

Narrator: (Cont.) …Then they blew up her city.

(Cut to Black)

Narrator: In a world where nothing makes sense anymore…

(Montage of shots of Daniel and Hattie kicking ass. Daniel, for example is surrounded by several augmented hydrorg gorillas with lead pipes.)

Daniel: Come and get me, you damn dirty apes!

SFX: Thwip!

(Hattie shoots someone in the face. Hattie and Daniel kiss)

Narrator: He's a medical doctor turned werewolf on the lam from the long arm of the law. She's a fiesty, red-headed Irish orphan ex-terrorist who won't back down and doesn't know when to quit. They fight crime!

Narrator: (Cont.) From the creators of the blockbuster series Cogs, it's…

(The logo explodes onto the screen, read by the narrator.)


Madison's Quality Line

Madison's Quality Line. For all your tying and securing needs.

Do you have this problem? (Image of a man chasing a dog, he screams in frustration) Solve it with Madison's! (Image of man tied up by family, police entering the scene)

Has this ever happened to you? (Image of someone reading a book called 'Basic Seamanship' trying to tie noodles together, throws them down in frustration) Solve it with Madison's! (Image of same man in navel uniform giving the thumbs up from the deck of a ship)

When life comes apart at the seams, hold tight with Madison's Quality Line!
(Image of Newton, hanging upside down from the bottom of the Aether)

"I'm Newton Falk, when I'm doing something amazingly daring, I trust Madison's Quality Line. Now available in light weight silk!"


"Are you going to let me up now?"



Extispicy Sausages

(A man is eating sausages.)

MAN: These sausages are so bland!

(The man's plate of sausages disappears, replaced by several oddly-shaped and strangely speckled sausages. The man takes a bite.)

NARRATOR: Normal sausages too bland? Try Extispicy Sausages! You'll see through TIME.

MAN: Woooowweeeeeee!

(The usual reaction to hot foods: the man's eyes water, steam shoots out of his ears, he breathes fire. But then the entire scene EXPLODES, and he falls through another dimension into —

THE FUTURE. A desolate wasteland where proud sky-scrapers now lie abandoned as rusting skeletal hulks. The sky is the dark and overcast cover a nuclear winter. In the distance several starving mutants weakly gasp their last breaths. Four-foot long cockroaches fight over the remains of an already dead three-armed mutant.)

MAN: Oh god! God damn them — they blew it up!


NARRATOR: Our sausages aren't just spicy — they're Extispicy!

Small print: Made from 100% irregular animal innards.

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